Unlikely Disclosure

I was out to see J today. Today will be the last time I'll be seeing him for the next two months. He is going for a two-month vacation in Spain. Although the thought of (temporary) separation saddens me, I picked myself up and met with him anyway.

We just went for the usual coffee talk and said our temporary 'goodbyes'.

J and I have been seeing each other for a while now since we reconnected, and I have always been vocal about my interest in him. He takes the compliments and would reciprocate at times. i really cannot speak as to how he feels, but I know I like him and I am hopeful that he would be mine. But then again, I am trying to keep my promise of not getting between his relationship with his boyfriend. I remain content to us being friends for a while, and just enjoy whatever we have at the moment.

I also have to admit that in the past few days, I have been being drawn closer and more comfortable to him. But at the same time, I am also afraid with the comfortabilty we have now. We have been telling each other more 'personal' truths than before, and I am afraid i wouldn't know how to tell him one truth about me, and that is my HIV status.

I wanted to tell him about my status since I first saw him again back in April. Although I remained firm-- no matter how my friend K told me that I should tell the people I could have infected when I still do not know that I am positive-- that I am not responsible for them, I always felt that J is an exemption and that he needs to know. J and I had sex back in October, and I was thinking I could have been already infected then since my last test prior to my "Indeterminate" result in November was in July when I turned negative, and I could have possibly infected him.

Although I still maintain that I am not responsible for the possible infections that the "irresponsible" sexual activities I engaged myself in the past as I myself do not know my status, I felt different for J. Maybe its the attachment that is making me feel obliged to tell him. it could also be because I see a real person in him, sincere and loving, and that I cannot be unfair by keeping it now that I know. But fears are holding me back.

Finally, I took th courage and told him.

It started from exchanges of "not-so-good" text messages the night after we had our last meeting. For what reason, I'd rather keep that between us. One after the other, and I decided it wasn't a good time to talk and tell him. I have gone frustrated and exasperated with the message sent and recieved, until I decided to end it all there-- not to see him again, not even to hear from me again, with one last plea-- that he get tested.

Some moments of silence and I told him in a very relaxed message that I am HIV positive and that I might have possibly infected him. I then gave my final goodbye. It was hard, but I had to do it.

J sent a somehow confused reply. I went on to clarify. More messages and we finally decided to talk it out in details when he comes back from his vacation.

Things have started to get pacified. The earlier bitter exchanges have turned out to be words of comfort.

I am not sure really as to what this unlikely disclosure might be. But more than being afraid, I am now very much relieved.