Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Facing the Inevitable

The inevitable just happened. I just moved out of our condo and has just bailed out of a more-than-a-year relationship.

The past few days have become full of tension between me and boyfriend and I cannot handle it anymore. I need a time out. Although tensions were mostly expressed in deafening silence, they seemed as loud as cannonballs and I couldn't handle any more blasts. I am deciding to retreat.

This isn't the first time that boyfriend and broke up. We first broke up in August after seven months of live-in relationship. I'd have to say that that was one of the hardest times, but we couldn't take any more of us so we decided to leave some spaces between each other. He moved out of the condo. we haven't talked for a while, until we just found ourselves talking to each other a few months after, and eventually became lovers again and decided to give it a second chance sometime late October.

Our second shot at our relationship proved to be entirely different from our first seven months. The first one was full of butterflies and flowers, milk and honey and all the mushiness of new relationships. It is given. We were still very enamoured. We have eventually gone more matured yet relaxed on our second attempt though, and I felt that the second shot was better. Though we no longer do all the usual boyfriend stuff (which I (or we) love doing) like going out on dates often, exchanging gifts, trying to please each other, we still do the usual exchange of I Love You's and I Love You Too's (though less often than before), and I am very much comfortable and at ease with that. I guess have developed a certain degree of security in our relationship.

Anyway, what caused the inevitable? I wouldn't know exactly as we have never talked about it. We have not been talking since we went back from vacation. I have a hint, though, that it must be "that" incident.

I don't keep secrets from my boyfriend and so I told him about what happened with me and S. I assumed he knew about it, afterall, and just so to clarify any doubts he may have in mind, that's why I decided to open up and discuss it with him. He remained quiet and had been quiet for the next 3 days. I would ask him once in a while but I just recieves cold shoulders in return.

He has also become extremely to annoyingly critical of things the past few days. He would complain at the smell of cigarette at home, when in he himself smokes, would rant about unwashed glasses in the sink, and the likes. I know for sure something is going on in his mind, but is suppressing it instead. For whatever reason, I wouldn't know. All I know is that behind all these are emotions that are ready to vioelently explode.

Yes, maybe I f*cked up my relationship for choosing (un)wisely. Maybe I have pushed things to the limits.

I may have strong fears of having to leaving the relationship. I fear that I may not be able to start a new relationship given my status, and all those worries. But despite these fears, when no one seem to take charge, I need to do it myelf. I needed to make a choice, and I chose separation.

It may not be the wise choice. It r may not be the easier choice. Moreso, I may not be happy with my choice. But I'd rather take the hard choice than merely crash and burn or be completely lost.

I am giving our relationship a break.

Things will fall into places soon. Meanwhile, I go on.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Played with the Boracay Sun

The long summer vacation is finally over. I have been out of town almost the whole of April for a vacation with my boyfriend and S, and I stil feel a little bit lost from all that happened.

The whole vacation turned out nice and fun in general. We spent S's first 2 days in the unusually less busy to almost empty Manila. We booked a nice suite at Hyatt, mostly sleeping during the day, then a late afternoon walk to find some good restaurants for late lunch/early dinner, and finally a prospect of a night out. After the Holyweek, we decided to hit the road and headed to Puerto Galera.

The guys didn't enjoy Puerto Galera much. It was almost empty when we got there on April 3. We stayed 2 nights in White Beach and decided to move on to the next leg of the trip-- Boracay.

I always loved Boracay. Though not really my favorite place, I will never get tired of visiting and admiring the island. There simply is a lot of things to do in Boracay. You will never know what really is going to happen when in Boracay. And though they say 'whatever happens to Boracay remains in Boracay', I will share some highlights of it.

Boracay is hedonistic. That's given! Aside from the many exciting activities in the island such as admiring its pristine powdery white sands, swimming in its crystal clear water and watching the golden sunset, sex is one thing that is almost always part of (a gay guy's) itinerary of a Boracay escapade, and I am not exempted.

I haven't had sex for a while now since I found out about my status, not even with BF. BF and I have become more of companions more than sexual partners for a while now, and although we have not totally dismissed the idea of sex in our relationship, we just couldn't find ourselves the perfect time to do the deed. No, don't get me wrong. I have a very attractive boyfried and I would attest to his versatility in bed. Just that we have transcended the 'regular' sex part in the relationship and are more comfortable to knowing that we have each other. Boyfriend also doesn't stand in the way of me having sex with others, though I choose not to do it as much as I can. You can call that an 'open-relationship' but we decide to not label it. Again, I chose not to do it.

However, the past few days have been different. I have been feeling some hormonal urges, and have finally decided to break my self-imposed celibacy. This is not just because of the overflowing pheromones wafting into the Boracay air. S has been tryin to get into my pants soon as he arrived from the US and I gave up to the urge when we were still in Manila. And I have the suspicion that boyfriend knows about it, just that he chose to be quiet.

I think my boyfriend knows that S was down into his knees the first night he stayed with us in the condo after that first night out we had in Malate. I also think that he knows about the times S and I would quickly sneak in every chance we have to give each other a head, or simply rub our pricks against each other when we stayed in Hyatt. Also, he would have noticed that I would be more on S's side whenever we scoot our beds together. But BF remained silent, and I take his silence as an implied consent.

I really do not know what was going inside my boyfriend's mind. He would usually tell me if he is not liking things, but he remained silent about this so I assumed that it was fine. I decided not to open up and discuss it with him, too. I don't want to have tensions with him or anybody while on vacation.

I know I will be playing with fire, and if ever a fire is to burn me, it should only be the Boracay sun.

Anyway, that went on for almost two weeks until S met a guy from the island and has become his boytoy for the rest of our stay in Boracay. The rest of our stay then has become mostly double dates, S and his boy, and me and boyfriend.

By the way, this was boyfriend's first visit in Boracay, and it seemed that he liked it. He would go out and catch the sun once in a while, and would also dip into the waters. Another thing he liked the most were the late afternoon chase of the sunset while we ride the sailboat and snorkeling.

On the other hand, this is just one of the many visits I had of Boracay, and this visit to the island is actually one of the 'tamer' visit I had. Aside from the two ocassions that I sneaked out of the hotel for a (late night/early morning) walk by the shore which eventually ended up in a steamy sex on the beach (and of course, protected), I have mostly been hanging out with my boys for some good laughs.

I have just arrived back in the city a few hours now and is still having a withdrawal. I know I would need to do a reality check in the next few days.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

S Finally Arrived

S finally arrived today. Boyfriend and I picked him up at the airport first hour of the day. It was a little bit of a hassle as NAIA proved to be not-so-disabled friendly place with not-so-helpful-staff which made it harder for BF to go to the arrival area. Finally, after almost half an hour of futile discussion with the airport staff, we decided that I leave BF at the departure while I go down and pick S up at the arrival.

Finally, we managed to get out of the airport and head home.

Boyfriend and I have been planned our activities for the next 21 days. We plan to stay here in the city  until the Holyweek is over. People usually take that time to go out of town and we wouldn't want to go with the rest of the crowd. Soon as everyone goes back, then we will go and take our turn of the sun, the sand, and the sea.

A few hours after midnight and a very little rest, S felt like exploring the Manila scene. Boyfriend and I are quick to suggest and took S to Malate. There were more people in Malate than we expected for a Holyweek night, not typical of Manila. Anyway, the night went on for some drinks and some good laugh. We then head home just a few minutes before the sun shine.

Still unable to sleep, S asked me for a morning walk around the city. We left  BF who is tired and asleep from the long evening, the stroll the city shorts and shirts, and a very big shades to cover our yet to rest and sleep eyes, which S calls a typical LA fashion. It was refreshing to see the usually busy city almost empty, and I mean really empty, with only a few restaurants open and devoid of the usual morning traffic rush.

It was very nice talking to S. We just talk about amost anything, from how Makati resembles Chicago more than Vegas, to Paris Hilton, to HIV programs in the US and the Philippines. Ideas flow freely in the vast Makati Sky, until we found ourselves starting to run out of escess energy and wear off. So off we head back home to call it a day.

This is (just) the start of our summer vacation with S.

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