Ubermensch: In A Glimpse

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Kaput!


Been talking to this guy for a while now. OK, he's my Facebook crushie. We're not really Facebook friends, but I've seen him, and has checked his page more than a dozen times. Then he got my number. I dunno how, but its most probably via Romeo.

Fast forward. We've exchanged messages via text. Have checked on each other quite a few times, until I finally decided to give him my FB account. We are now FB friends.

Anyway, everything is goin well until this exchange of messages via text today.



[Him] : OK, seen it. So your name is *****. Nice name, just like my brother's.
[Me] : Thanks. Anyway, whatever you know, you just keep it for yourself, ok?
[Him] : No worries, you can trust me. Take your meds and be safe always.
[Me] : I am not yet on meds.
[Him]: Ok, pero wag kana manghahawa ok? (Ok, but do not infect others anymore, ok?)

(Me: at this time, I already got my eyeballs rolling)

[Me] : And whats that supposed to mean?
[Him] : You're smart, you know what I mean. I actually have a friend who has it too, pero di na siya nakikipagsex. (I actually have a friend who has it too, but he doesn't have sex anymore)
[Me] : No worries, I know my dos and donts.
[Him] : Ok, good.
[Me] : I know how to take precautions, but to NOT have sex, that must be hard.
[Him] : I know, pero baka makahawa ka nga. Pano mo ba nakuha yan? (I know, but you might infect others. anyway, how did you get that?)

(My high hopes are starting to turn into frustrations)

[Me] : I got it from my last BF. But doesn't matter now how I got it.
[Him] : You had sex with him 'unsafe'?
[Me] : Why not? He was my BF and I love him. (in my mind: Yeah, I know there is something faulty about this reasoning)
[Him] : Nakikipagsex sex ka ng walang condom kaya mo nakuha yan! (You engage in sex without using condom that's why you had that!)
[Me] : He was my BF and I trusted him. Though I always got myself tested, and always turned negative, I never got him to get tested. Maybe I was careless. But blaming anybody wouldn't change the fact that I already have it.

(Then I went on with my kilometric messages)

[Me] : Is that a mockery?
[Him] : No, sorry if you felt that way.


Good start gone Kaput!


Big sigh!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Poopf!

Let’s get one thing straight-- dating is hard. Uncomfortable, agonizing, unpleasant, awkward, and well, just plain hard.

Imagine going on a first date, and it is the most amazing date that you have had in quite some time. He is sweet, charming, smart, funny, attractive, blah blah blah. At the end of the date he grabs your chin and pulls you close for a gentle kiss. On the way home you get a text from him “Had a great time, lets hang out this weekend!”

Now cut to the second date. He is even more attractive and charming than you remember. The conversation turns flirty. The dirty kind of flirty that almost crosses the line but remains playful. At the end of the date he puts his hand around the small of your back and pulls you in close. His pelvis presses gingerly up against yours as he kisses you. He kisses you for the next ten minutes. The kind of kissing that shakes you to the core, you might even stammer a little. You say your goodbyes and you leave with your red face.

The next day you are giddy like a school girl. Skipping around your apartment and singing show tunes, then you abruptly stop. It feels as if someone just kicked you in the gut! FUCK, you haven’t told him you are positive, yet.




You know that it will probably be the end of the… well, those red faces... Again, FUCK!

Its been more than three years now since I decided to go on exclusive date with someone. We became domestic partners for a year and eight months. Now, almost a year and a half after the break up, I have never found myself dating anyone in particular. Moreso, I also never considered being romantically involved with anyone, anymore.

What seem to be the problem?

J was the last BF I had before I got converted.

I used to go out on some dates after our break up, but after a while, seem to have lost interest in the dating scene altogether. It became harder for me to be at my comfort level, telling the potential partner my stories while at the same time trying to do self censorship as not everything can be shared, unlike before.

It became harder to build ties and connections.

I realized I was unconsciously holding back.

While I can still be very much attracted to a man, I cannot seem to hold my interest for very long. I have to admit that in most times, I allow my HIV status to get me too anxious or distracted to allow intimacy to thrive.

Sure, there is a wide spectrum of attitudes towards HIV nowadays. There are those HIV negative guys who proclaim to be OK dating HIV positives. Other men feel very informed, and have made peace with the risks of modern life.

But c'mon, life is more complicated than that! While you claim to be fine with it, I still have some issues causing someone to become HIV positive.

There times I consider going exclusive with a fellow Poz. But is it really easier to date someone who has the same HIV status you do? In many ways, the answer may be yes. For one, dating another positive guy means the dynamics of self-disclosure are a lot different; there’s no need to worry about whether the guy will say something insensitive or reject you out of hand.

But can we really choose who? FUCK!


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