Ubermensch: In A Glimpse

Friday, March 26, 2010

Return to Normalcy

The past few days have been somehow easy for me. Things are starting to seem normal again. I mean, although I still get some tad of paranoia and some moments of disillusionment, I have somehow been able to do things as usual (again).

I have mostly been busy with my writing lately. I have decided to accept some writing projects while waiting for calls for job interviews from the companies I applied for. I realized that I have to get on my feet and get busy. Besides, my savings has started to get drained after a few months of having no incomings while I continue to spend for my bills. I am doing progress somehow.

I have also considered the thoughts of socialization after being a recluse for a while. I have been in touch with my friends more often than any time in the past month or two. Not all of them know my status, and I just thought I have to do reach out before they all start speculating about my sudden retreat to silence (as if I care?) LOL

However, BF and I havent gotten our CD4 test yet. I know I have to do that soon, but just don't get the chance to do so. I haven't even visited PGH since I have gotten my confirmation. Anyway, I think and I hope that nothing serious nor urgent is necessary health wise.

For the meantime, I am somewhat content that I have returned to normalcy.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Making HIV Real

I have never personally met an HIV positive person before aside from my boyfriend and his friend, a Filipino who is based in the US who went here for a visit last Christmas. My boyfriend told me that his friend has been living a 'positive' life for 5-7 years now, if I remember it right. But since I only found out about his status from my boyfriend and not through him personally, while I only got my confirmation a few days ago, I never got the chance to really talk to him about IT when I went to spend Christmas with them.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, knows a few, and some of them are very close to him. He told me about his (ex)bf and now good friend,S (who is an American). S has been living the positive life for 7 years or so now.

I have been constantly chatting to S since my boyfriend and I became together last year and have been very comfortable with each other. We have mostly been talking about relationships and casual subjects, but never about HIV until my boyfriend confessed to him about his HIV status in November. Although BF and I haven't confirmed our status yet, we have lived "assumed-positive". Since then, most of my conversations with S would be about dealing with HIV.

S is a smart guy. He used to works as a lab technician and certainly knows a lot about HIV. But aside from his knowledge and experience in dealing with HIV, it is his encouragement that keeps me see my new circumstance in a 'positive' light (pun intended). I have been drawing inspiration from how he take life and living despite what has been said about HIV.

Surely, I have read a lot of testimonies about dealing with the condition, but to know that it is a 'real person' and not just a faceless name who shares experiences is an entirely different thing. It gives life to mere words. It making HIV real.

S is visiting us from the US for a summer vacation here soon. I can't wait to personally meet him.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

My Delayed Depression

It has been a while since I had the time to write.

I tried to get myself busy for a while, looking for a new job just so i get my mind occupied with something.

Aside from playing busy, I had to admit, I am on the 'depression' stage now. I actually found it weird that my 'depression' came a little later. I have been quiet for the past 3 days, mostly asleep until weee hours in the afternoon (if i dont have appointment for my j.o's) and only giving my boyfriend hi's and a very casual conversation when needed. I never really wanted to talk. I never wanted to do anything. I know I wasn't myself. But I know was trying to handle my depression as much as I can, nonetheless.

Rewind: Earlier yesterday, I was still trying to manage my yet-to-be explosion by keeping quiet. I didn't have a good sleep (more of wasn't able to sleep) the night before, and had an early appointment which turned out to be a hoax and made my day worst-- in case you wanna know, the appointment was for a job interview, which I found out to be for a 'beauty product network marketing", or whatever they call it. They should have let me know so that I would have slept instead. It was a bad day.

Anyway, I got home tired, watched AI and texted my friend for a night cap. I really felt goin out and not stay at home as I feel some tension building between me and BF (due to my 'not-so-me' behaviour the past few days). So friend comes and off we went for a night cap.

After a while, I recieved a text message from BF telling me to stay the night at my friend N or J as he is not comfortable being with me that night. He was thinking that everything that happened that night, including my silence were a 'plot', as if we were trying to hide things from him.

I went home. I started packing. I didn't speak a word but in my mind I was thinking I am not a cat and I cannot be just sent out anytime he pleases. my mind is now filled with ambivalence--- I wanted to hit him. I wanted to inflict pain to him, but I tried to constrain my rage. So I ended up just crying.

I never wanted to blame my BF. I never wanted to think that his irresponsibility has gotten me in the situation I am in now. I know he never wanted this to happen to me, and to us.  But then again,I have to admit that at the back of my mind, I blame him. I wouldn't have been in this predicament if he had been tested regularly as I did.

And these thoughts I articulated to him in my cry of fury.

Next was a very long silence, until we ended up in each others arms.

I just needed some time to get depress. I needed to wallow. I may have lost 'myself' in the process, but I needed to if that would make me able to accept our current reality. I deserved a moment.

I know there is no turning back. I am here, and I am trying to live with what I have. It may not be the choice I would have chosen, but I have to embrace it.

Again, I just need the moment to be depress. Do not deprive me.

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