My Delayed Depression

It has been a while since I had the time to write.

I tried to get myself busy for a while, looking for a new job just so i get my mind occupied with something.

Aside from playing busy, I had to admit, I am on the 'depression' stage now. I actually found it weird that my 'depression' came a little later. I have been quiet for the past 3 days, mostly asleep until weee hours in the afternoon (if i dont have appointment for my j.o's) and only giving my boyfriend hi's and a very casual conversation when needed. I never really wanted to talk. I never wanted to do anything. I know I wasn't myself. But I know was trying to handle my depression as much as I can, nonetheless.

Rewind: Earlier yesterday, I was still trying to manage my yet-to-be explosion by keeping quiet. I didn't have a good sleep (more of wasn't able to sleep) the night before, and had an early appointment which turned out to be a hoax and made my day worst-- in case you wanna know, the appointment was for a job interview, which I found out to be for a 'beauty product network marketing", or whatever they call it. They should have let me know so that I would have slept instead. It was a bad day.

Anyway, I got home tired, watched AI and texted my friend for a night cap. I really felt goin out and not stay at home as I feel some tension building between me and BF (due to my 'not-so-me' behaviour the past few days). So friend comes and off we went for a night cap.

After a while, I recieved a text message from BF telling me to stay the night at my friend N or J as he is not comfortable being with me that night. He was thinking that everything that happened that night, including my silence were a 'plot', as if we were trying to hide things from him.

I went home. I started packing. I didn't speak a word but in my mind I was thinking I am not a cat and I cannot be just sent out anytime he pleases. my mind is now filled with ambivalence--- I wanted to hit him. I wanted to inflict pain to him, but I tried to constrain my rage. So I ended up just crying.

I never wanted to blame my BF. I never wanted to think that his irresponsibility has gotten me in the situation I am in now. I know he never wanted this to happen to me, and to us.  But then again,I have to admit that at the back of my mind, I blame him. I wouldn't have been in this predicament if he had been tested regularly as I did.

And these thoughts I articulated to him in my cry of fury.

Next was a very long silence, until we ended up in each others arms.

I just needed some time to get depress. I needed to wallow. I may have lost 'myself' in the process, but I needed to if that would make me able to accept our current reality. I deserved a moment.

I know there is no turning back. I am here, and I am trying to live with what I have. It may not be the choice I would have chosen, but I have to embrace it.

Again, I just need the moment to be depress. Do not deprive me.