Monday, December 20, 2010

Two Years Ago

Its exactly two years today when I met the man that forever changed my life, literally and figuratively. Yes, he WAS my boyfriend, and we went on for a year and a half. He was the man who I had the best and the worst of life.

I was living THE life. Young. Driven. Ambitious. I was an achiever.

Then came a sudden halt. I met him.I decided to settle down. Live a domestic life.

I was happy. We were happy.

I know for once, I LOVE!

I guess I was overwhelmed by Love. I let myself be consumed by love. I let my defenses down.

We've spent the days as real lovers in love. We went to places. We explore new things. We made love.

Fast forward. 11 months after, we both tested positive.

My heart was broken. I was living the life, and in love. Young. Driven. Ambitious. And I am positive.

I was devastated. I was in denial at first. I cannot be positive. I have always been tested, and always tested negative.

He, on the other had, has not been tested in three years. He knew he could be positive, but remained quiet.

I wanted to blame him. But I wouldn't blame anybody for the choices I make. I chose to love.

Now, two years since I met him, and a little more than a year being positive, I am a new man.

Not so Young. At times Indifferent. Distraught.

But despite all that, I LOVED!

Two years ago, I met a guy. He gave me the best the worst.

I am forever thankful.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I am (NOT) Stubborn!

I am due for my second CD4 Test this month. The last time, I was at 260. I am hoping for at least +50.

I went to PGH last Wednesday to get my schedule for my second CD4 Test and also to have my check up since I have been having bad cough and colds for a few days now. I also am feeling unusually weak recently. I am not sure if it is just the usual psychosomatic me, but in any case, I decided to get checked.

The findings-- I am NORMAL. My doctor checked my temperature, breathing, and all vital signs and all came up normal. She asked me about my cough and colds, and if I am doing anythin about it, and I told her, I am just taking lots of liquids and vitamins in the past 3-4 days. I have been trying NOT to take medicines as much as I can and just let my body function as normal, but I know at times, it is failing me. Still, I give it a chance, and my doctor agreed on it. She advised me to just forego taking cough and cold meds or any antibiotics just yet, but if my cough and cold persists until next week, then I have to go back to her to get checked further.

And so, we proceeded to discussing my ARV (yet again).

Although I've agreed to start with the treatment already, I have yet to complete a few more test (i.e., Hepa Profile and Syphilis). Its been a little more than 2weeks since I told my doctor that I will complete the remaining tests so I can start with the ARV, but still haven't done so. I am committed to having it completed before the year ends, though. So, with that, we ended the session with a good laugh, with her saying "Ikaw ang pinaka pasaway kong pasyente (you are my most stubborn patient".)

Moving forward, my scheduled CD4 test at San Lazaro. I went down with a bad cold and fever the morning of my scheduled test and was not able to get off my bed. In short, I missed it. I told Celene (the Nurse in charge of scheduling), but as usual, I think that my next schedule will be 2-3 months from now.  I couldn't complain, though. Thats just how it works.

For the meantime, I'm trying NOT to worry about it all. I am taking it one thing at a time. I am trying to (re)build my constitution and (still) trying to be as healthy as I can, get this cough and cold out. I've been doing a lot of bed-rest for the past few days, working from home, and hopefully, I'll feel better in no time.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Death Note

I was watching Glee's "Special Education", and a particular scene got my curiosity-- Rachel asking Kurt "Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral?" I mean, how many people actually fantasize, or even think, to say the least, about their own Death?

Admittedly, I've been through that stage of being absolutely intrigued with death. I've been drawn to morbid interests early on starting through my Romeo and Juliet, and titanic and holocaust phase. It then grew into my obsession with Quentin Tarantino and war movies, until I discovered the concept of suicide when I was in the University. I even spent a great deal of research to know and understand suicide not just in a general and ordinary everyday discourse, but most of the underlying philosophical concepts about it.

I was also very into the discussions I conduct in my classes about Death and Dying. I loved my discussion on the metaphysics of death, the ethics of dying, and the many philosophical aspects of it. I can surely talk about Death, but I realized after a while that I was talking about Death as a concept, and NOT the experience of Death as related to my person, that is MY Death.

I am not gonna talk about what Death is (or what it is not as others prefer to talk about it)as a general concept. I would instead talk about MY views on MY Death.

So how do I like my death to be?

I want death to come in my 40s. I don't wanna die (too) old. I think I would have accomplished a lot at that age. I don't want the mere redundancy of living, so one experience of things and events would be enough for me. I would have traveled to (most) places I always wanted to be in, have eaten most of the food I wish, and things like that, and the ones I have yet to experience, I can just let them stay like that. Afterall, I don't need to experience everything in life, but rather, just need to experience what I have.

I don't want a weeklong wake. I just want it to last 2-3 days. I don't need a lot of people to come and visit my wake, too. I'd have a list of the people I want to be there, and its gonna be just a short list.

I am not really particular on how my casket would be. It can go in the shade of white, but I'd like it to be grayish or silver.

I want my clothes to be changed everyday in the 2-3 days that I would lie in my coffin, open for public viewing. I want my purple long sleeves, with a dark gray/silver tie and a black slim cut coat on my first day, then a classic black shirt and a red tie (still with the coat), on my second day, and finally, a 3-piece suit (white shirt with a butterfly tie and a vest, just like one in those classic movies)on my last day.

I want my wake to be at my aunt's place in the province (where my dad was laid on his last days), not too far from my family's house. Its a family house at a hill, with an open greenery, and a nice 360 degree view of everything in the surrounding. I want it to be quiet, and far from the busy city life. I feel like I've been in the city for most of my life, and would like to be back home on my last days.

I want my mom, and the rest of the family to do the traditional 'cooking' for my guests. My mom cooks very well, and I want her to cook the one I usually cook. My cooking has always been compared to my mom, and for the last time, I would like to have people taste how I usually do 'food'.

I already have a playlist prepared for my wake. I want these songs to be played repeatedly in my wake:

In the Arms of an Angel (Sarah McLachlan)
Strangers in the Sky (Jason Mraz)
Such Great Heights (Iron and Wine)
Collide (Howie Day)
I've Had a Time of My Life (Any version)
Fame (Irene Cara)

I also want a photo presentation on the last day of the wake. I want my friends to share photos I have with them.

Finally, I want my friend, L, or J, to do the Eulogy.

This isn't a farewell post. Neither do I feel Death coming,well, at least not so soon I hope.

Its just one of those days.

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