Facing the Inevitable

The inevitable just happened. I just moved out of our condo and has just bailed out of a more-than-a-year relationship.

The past few days have become full of tension between me and boyfriend and I cannot handle it anymore. I need a time out. Although tensions were mostly expressed in deafening silence, they seemed as loud as cannonballs and I couldn't handle any more blasts. I am deciding to retreat.

This isn't the first time that boyfriend and broke up. We first broke up in August after seven months of live-in relationship. I'd have to say that that was one of the hardest times, but we couldn't take any more of us so we decided to leave some spaces between each other. He moved out of the condo. we haven't talked for a while, until we just found ourselves talking to each other a few months after, and eventually became lovers again and decided to give it a second chance sometime late October.

Our second shot at our relationship proved to be entirely different from our first seven months. The first one was full of butterflies and flowers, milk and honey and all the mushiness of new relationships. It is given. We were still very enamoured. We have eventually gone more matured yet relaxed on our second attempt though, and I felt that the second shot was better. Though we no longer do all the usual boyfriend stuff (which I (or we) love doing) like going out on dates often, exchanging gifts, trying to please each other, we still do the usual exchange of I Love You's and I Love You Too's (though less often than before), and I am very much comfortable and at ease with that. I guess have developed a certain degree of security in our relationship.

Anyway, what caused the inevitable? I wouldn't know exactly as we have never talked about it. We have not been talking since we went back from vacation. I have a hint, though, that it must be "that" incident.

I don't keep secrets from my boyfriend and so I told him about what happened with me and S. I assumed he knew about it, afterall, and just so to clarify any doubts he may have in mind, that's why I decided to open up and discuss it with him. He remained quiet and had been quiet for the next 3 days. I would ask him once in a while but I just recieves cold shoulders in return.

He has also become extremely to annoyingly critical of things the past few days. He would complain at the smell of cigarette at home, when in he himself smokes, would rant about unwashed glasses in the sink, and the likes. I know for sure something is going on in his mind, but is suppressing it instead. For whatever reason, I wouldn't know. All I know is that behind all these are emotions that are ready to vioelently explode.

Yes, maybe I f*cked up my relationship for choosing (un)wisely. Maybe I have pushed things to the limits.

I may have strong fears of having to leaving the relationship. I fear that I may not be able to start a new relationship given my status, and all those worries. But despite these fears, when no one seem to take charge, I need to do it myelf. I needed to make a choice, and I chose separation.

It may not be the wise choice. It r may not be the easier choice. Moreso, I may not be happy with my choice. But I'd rather take the hard choice than merely crash and burn or be completely lost.

I am giving our relationship a break.

Things will fall into places soon. Meanwhile, I go on.