Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Anxiety Attack

I feel very anxious today. No, I don't need a pill. I am not and have never been clinically diagnosed of anxiety disorder. But I feel like I am to break down anytime now.

I recieved a text message from Abby, the attending nurse in PGH's SAGIP, the organization dedicated to helping and extending medical support and counselling to different patients, including the immuno-compromised ones among others, saying that my schedule for CD4 test is ready and that I need to pick up the endorsement slip. This is the second time I'll be scheduled for my CD4 test, but I was not able to go during the first schedule as I was then out of town.

I know CD4 testing doesn't have to be so tough. I mean they will just extract blood from me, and although I freak out from the sight of a syringe and blood, it wouldn't take much time. However, although as simple as it may sound, what causes me the anxiety is the thought of knowing the results. Knowing that you are HIV positive is a hard truth, but knowing which stage are you in would be a harder truth, I guess.

There are a lot of things going on in my mind just thinking about it. What if my CD4 count goes below 300? Am I ready to start the regular and lifetime habit of taking medication? Those are just some questions I am trying to answer.

However, I realized this is the better choice.

Maybe I am just overthinking.

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