Relationship Status

I know C**** is a keeper. I feel it. And so I decided to get into a relationship with him. It has been more than two weeks now.

I have to admit though that I (still) don't love him. I'd be fooling myself if I say I already do. But just like any relationships I've been in to, LOVE was never a prerequisite. I always believed in building it, in nurturing it.

Though I know it would be very unfair to compare it to my last experience at relationships, I feel like this one's gonna build up slowly. I don't mean to spoil it, but I feel the thoughts at the back of my mind already are. Bummer. I can't help but compare my past relationships, how they started and things like that, especially with my last (then plays Adele's "Someone like You in the background).

Simply put, there weren't "fireworks" when it started.

Not that I am not sure with C****. In all fairness, I feel the sincerity, I feel the care. What I am not sure is myself, and my grand idea of what a partner and a relationship should be. Yes, I still have a "grand" idea of a partner and a relationship (plays Asher Book's "Someone to Watch Over Me")

Still, I wanna give it a shot.

Or maybe I should just stop over thinking it.

Who knows, maybe I become comfortable changing my Facebook relationship status to "in relationship with----" , soon.

Kaput!

Been talking to this guy for a while now. OK, he's my Facebook crushie. We're not really Facebook friends, but I've seen him, and has checked his page more than a dozen times. Then he got my number. I dunno how, but its most probably via Romeo.

Fast forward. We've exchanged messages via text. Have checked on each other quite a few times, until I finally decided to give him my FB account. We are now FB friends.

Anyway, everything is goin well until this exchange of messages via text today.



[Him] : OK, seen it. So your name is *****. Nice name, just like my brother's.
[Me] : Thanks. Anyway, whatever you know, you just keep it for yourself, ok?
[Him] : No worries, you can trust me. Take your meds and be safe always.
[Me] : I am not yet on meds.
[Him]: Ok, pero wag kana manghahawa ok? (Ok, but do not infect others anymore, ok?)

(Me: at this time, I already got my eyeballs rolling)

[Me] : And whats that supposed to mean?
[Him] : You're smart, you know what I mean. I actually have a friend who has it too, pero di na siya nakikipagsex. (I actually have a friend who has it too, but he doesn't have sex anymore)
[Me] : No worries, I know my dos and donts.
[Him] : Ok, good.
[Me] : I know how to take precautions, but to NOT have sex, that must be hard.
[Him] : I know, pero baka makahawa ka nga. Pano mo ba nakuha yan? (I know, but you might infect others. anyway, how did you get that?)

(My high hopes are starting to turn into frustrations)

[Me] : I got it from my last BF. But doesn't matter now how I got it.
[Him] : You had sex with him 'unsafe'?
[Me] : Why not? He was my BF and I love him. (in my mind: Yeah, I know there is something faulty about this reasoning)
[Him] : Nakikipagsex sex ka ng walang condom kaya mo nakuha yan! (You engage in sex without using condom that's why you had that!)
[Me] : He was my BF and I trusted him. Though I always got myself tested, and always turned negative, I never got him to get tested. Maybe I was careless. But blaming anybody wouldn't change the fact that I already have it.

(Then I went on with my kilometric messages)

[Me] : Is that a mockery?
[Him] : No, sorry if you felt that way.


Good start gone Kaput!


Big sigh!

Poopf!

Let’s get one thing straight-- dating is hard. Uncomfortable, agonizing, unpleasant, awkward, and well, just plain hard.

Imagine going on a first date, and it is the most amazing date that you have had in quite some time. He is sweet, charming, smart, funny, attractive, blah blah blah. At the end of the date he grabs your chin and pulls you close for a gentle kiss. On the way home you get a text from him “Had a great time, lets hang out this weekend!”

Now cut to the second date. He is even more attractive and charming than you remember. The conversation turns flirty. The dirty kind of flirty that almost crosses the line but remains playful. At the end of the date he puts his hand around the small of your back and pulls you in close. His pelvis presses gingerly up against yours as he kisses you. He kisses you for the next ten minutes. The kind of kissing that shakes you to the core, you might even stammer a little. You say your goodbyes and you leave with your red face.

The next day you are giddy like a school girl. Skipping around your apartment and singing show tunes, then you abruptly stop. It feels as if someone just kicked you in the gut! FUCK, you haven’t told him you are positive, yet.

You know that it will probably be the end of the… well, those red faces... Again, FUCK!

Its been more than three years now since I decided to go on exclusive date with someone. We became domestic partners for a year and eight months. Now, almost a year and a half after the break up, I have never found myself dating anyone in particular. Moreso, I also never considered being romantically involved with anyone, anymore.

What seem to be the problem?

J was the last BF I had before I got converted.

I used to go out on some dates after our break up, but after a while, seem to have lost interest in the dating scene altogether. It became harder for me to be at my comfort level, telling the potential partner my stories while at the same time trying to do self censorship as not everything can be shared, unlike before.

It became harder to build ties and connections.

I realized I was unconsciously holding back.

While I can still be very much attracted to a man, I cannot seem to hold my interest for very long. I have to admit that in most times, I allow my HIV status to get me too anxious or distracted to allow intimacy to thrive.

Sure, there is a wide spectrum of attitudes towards HIV nowadays. There are those HIV negative guys who proclaim to be OK dating HIV positives. Other men feel very informed, and have made peace with the risks of modern life.

But c'mon, life is more complicated than that! While you claim to be fine with it, I still have some issues causing someone to become HIV positive.

There times I consider going exclusive with a fellow Poz. But is it really easier to date someone who has the same HIV status you do? In many ways, the answer may be yes. For one, dating another positive guy means the dynamics of self-disclosure are a lot different; there’s no need to worry about whether the guy will say something insensitive or reject you out of hand.

But can we really choose who? FUCK!

Terribly S.I.C.K!

No, not me. I am perfectly fine.

I found this site ( http://lastsexofanhiv.blogspot.com ) from a friend's post in Facebook. This site inadvertently name names/profiles of people who are "supposed" HIV/AIDS Positive Spreader (to use his words precisely). Whoever created this, i think, is sick. Very, very sick!

I have to admit that upon scrolling down the page, I was somehow worried my profile would be there and I was already thinking of freaking out. LOL. Anyway, I went on reading the page and tried to ponder.

I really don't know what the intent is, but whatever it is, it already earned my contempt. It hides behind the cloak of "concern and compassion".

Whether the people whos names and profiles are real HIV/AIDS infected or falsely accused won't even be of much significance to me---whether it is true or not, these people deserve the same regard and respect as everyone else.

I understand that HIV/AIDS in the country has reached a number most of us wouldn't even imagine, and it is a good thing to know that there are people and group who acts to solve the problem. But at the same time, there are those individual who very often hide nicely behind the cloak of righteousness.

I won't come clean. I, too make wrong judgments. But to go as far as this goes beyond mere lapse of judgment, but extends to ignorance and disrespect.

OK. So we all suffer insult, and we all feel hurt, and we all tend to sink into fantasies of revenge. Some of us then “get angry” and violently act out the fantasies in real life. And some of us just push everything out of awareness and pretend we are “concerned” persons.

This blog may be trying to 'save the world'. The intentions may well be very noble. But then again, I believe it is not all the intentions that counts. We cannot cure an open wound by taking cough medicines.

In all of these, let me just say--

If you want to change the world, begin by changing yourself.

If you want the world to be more fair, treat the world fairly even when you are treated unfairly.

If you want the world to be more kind, treat the world with kindness and return a blessing for every insult.

Show the world by your good actions—not by empty protest or violence—that you are willing to live according to what you profess to believe.

Not Really a Comeback

No, this isn't my 'comeback' into blogging. Not that I have fallen out of love into writing, just that I don't want to commit into something I cannot carry on (just like taking ARVs and so I chose to suspend startin the regimen).

I just celebrated my 29th birthday, my last hurrah before I step into a new decade. I’ve taken a brief break from my current work-home-and-a-few-socials routine to write. I suppose birthdays are afterall a natural time to reflect upon where you're at and what you're doing. And this has been a great year to reflect upon.

I’ve realized that as I grow older, I have become more keenly attuned not only to the quickness of time, but also to the shortness of life. No, not that i feel like I am dying anytime. In fact, I am feeling fitter and stronger than I have in a few years, and am looking forward to feeling even better in the future.

However, I have got stuck back into my plan to ARV regimen. As plans go, it's pretty basic to start off with. I have already made appointments in my to complete my baseline tests, but that has remained a plan. I don't want to feel bad about it though, that just because its planned and that I've a 260 count (based on my last)I feel obligated to do it. Its not that if I disobeyed what the doctor says, the whole structure of my life would crumble.

Hopefully, the day will come when I don't need to play little psychological tricks on myself, but it isn't here yet. I am not in a rush though. I know things will fall into places.

I've learned to be not too hard on myself. I don't want to push myself too much anymore as I did growing up. Not that regret it. On the contrary, I think it is good that I pushed myself to hard at an early age. I have accomplished more than people my age have-- I've traveled the world, got a very good education and a good job. But of course it came with a price, just like everything else.

I sometimes feel like I pushed my self way too much that I sometimes feel burned. And so I now try to just glide instead of resist-- let things fall into proper place and time.

Of course, the past year hasn't been all good, all perfect. I still feel crappy at times, wake up at the wrong side of the bed, gets a bad hair day. But all in all, I'm so thankful for the year, not an event is regretted.

Hasta Luego!

Only when we stop caring that everything becomes insignificant.

I still, and always will.


Just being selective about it.




For now, I guess this is where we part.

Hasta luego!

Ambivalent

I received a 'surprise' text message from J yesterday, the first in the past 2-3 months I guess.

He said he read my blog, asked how I am, and if the one I was referring to is my 'friend' he knows. Of course I didn't confirm nor deniy it. I wouldn't.

Anyway, I didn't know how to feel hearing from him again. I was excited, I had to admit. But more than that, I felt more defensive. I didn't want my life 'touched' again, that was at the back of my mind, but at the same time, wanting to be in touch with him again just like the old times.

I'd like to think I have everything in place at the moment. I've learned not to find confines somewhere or from someone else when I feel low. I got used to deal with things just by myself. I was fine with that.

Now my defenses seem to be on the verge of collapse, again.

I don't wanna get tempted. I might totally break down.

that's life, 1 + 1 is always 2

i'll go straight to the point-- my closest friend just tested positive.

it pains me more than it did finding out about mine.




that's life, is what he said. yes, i wouldn't argue anymore.



but life could have been better.

in any case, we will both embrace it-- we will live positively (pun intended)

Dear Immune System

Dear Immune System,

It has come to my attention that your job performance has been rather sub-par lately. Since keeping me well is your one and only task, I would really appreciate it if you could step it up a notch. I know I have been working more than hard lately-- spending 13-15 hours in the office when I'm only required to do 8, thinking and taking others' problems and all that, but you have to understand that I am doing these to be able support you with huge amounts of supplements such as vitamins, but even with this assistance, you seem to be failing me.

I have a life to run, for gosh sakes, and I can't keep letting illness get me down. Needless to say, I'm disappointed. I know that a back pain isn't the worst thing in the world, but you try getting through your day with your shoulders wanting to fall off and see how you like it!

Immune System, I will try to do my part-- take vitamins,  not stress myself too much, shy away from (some) vices, and get plenty of rest when I can (hopefully thats soon). For the meantime, all I am asking is that you do your part as well. I would greatly appreciate your assistance with this matter.

You know I still love you.

Sincerely,

D-Ubermensch

Missing J*

All it takes is a phone call but I can't do it.

Maybe I just don't know how to start!

(s)W(e)ET Dream

I haven't gotten the chance to write and update my blog recently. Work has gotten too much of my time, and all I want to do when I get home is to sleep, and sleep some more. This is not an exaggeration.

I haven't had sex for a while now, too (now thats an indication that I really have no time), but I won't say am having a 'dry spell'.

Oooops, just a caution: Read further at your own risk. Now that you are warned, you can proceed.

I am not fond of touching myself either. I really don't find pleasure in masturbating. I don't wanna take it with my own hand. LOL. Or ever I had to do it, I'd prefer doing mutual masturbation with someone. Otherwise, I'd rather sleep IT off.

Anyway, despite my uber busy sched, nature really has its way to balance things out.

I got home 12:00MN from work last Wednesday and went straight to bed. The next thing I know, I was in deep slumber. I woke up at 5am, and felt somethin sticky in my boxers. I knew it-- I just had nocturnal emmission.

I don't remember dreaming that night really. I don't have vivid thoughts nor any recollection whatsoever as to what it was, but I know I got excited to the point that I reached orgasm without me knowing it.

I know it sounds funny, and I couldn't help but laugh whenever I think about it. As far as I know, wet dreams are for teens, and I think I am way past that stage. I can't even remember the last time I experience it, or if I ever did growing up.

So, goin back to my point-- I have no time. I have no time to write. I have no time for sex. I have no time that nature makes it way to satiate the subconscious.

Bummer!

I think I need to make time for IT, soon!

Unsolicited Advice

Unsolicited advice is what you get when you give someone who isn’t listening, counseling they didn’t ask for, offering recommendations you probably aren’t even following yourself.

I recently created a profile in one gay social network, and has gotten quite a few messages from people. They are usually inquiries, though (as if I didn't post my blog link there so they can refer to it, duh?). But this one I am posting below got me-- got me not in an interesting way, but somehow got me a bit uncomfortable. Let me just be clear, I am NOT in any way uncomfortable with the person, but uncomfortable with the situation.

Maybe, I am simply not comfortable with an unsolicited advice, whether giving it or being given one.

Here goes the conversation:

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 09:37 : hi 

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 09:49: hi also 

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 09:51: musta k? 

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 09:53: am doin great. and you? 

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 09:54: ok nmn.. im waiting for the confirmatory result from doh 

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 09:55: oh, you've had  test already? 

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:00: oo fren reactive nga. dont worry tpos n aq s period n depress. im accepting it pra positv mn lumbs sa confirmtory ok n aq..kw musta k? ng arv kb? 

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:01: no, i havent been takin arv, though my doctor has been suggesting that for a long time now. am stubborn. hehehe 

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:03: take mu fren pra humba tym mu..san b clinic mu? libre nmn. 

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:04: well, id like to forego as much as i can. i think am in good shape. but for sure, ill take that soon. 

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:06: take it plssss....fren sana mging txtmate din tyu..me nkilala aq d2 positv xa..mabait xa ngturo lht pnu ggwin ko. sana tyu din mging ok. 

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:08:  i will take it, in time. i dont like it forced nor want to do it just because. =D 

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:11: depende nmn sa cd4 yn..mtaas b yun sau? 

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:16: its not all about CD4. arv is a lifetime commitment, and i dont wanna commit to something i cannot fulfill just yet. ill get there when i find it time to do so 

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:17: time is running my fren i hope u realize that soon. 

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:22: living with HIV is not just about arv. there are things to the life of an hiv positive aside from the nudge and the constant reminder that its there. its living it, and living with it =D 

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:26: nu number mu? 

d-ubermensch 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:28: uhmmm. sorry, cant give my number just yet. 

him 08. Feb. 2011 - 10:39: ok lng pg ok n txt me 092784****** (I edited the number)

Anyway, what do I wanna say? Unsolicited advice is almost useless for one simple reason-- many lessons must be learned, not just intellectually, but emotionally. It is NOT simply a plain statement of facts. Taking action to change your life requires not only thought, but intent, and intent is driven by our internal pain and pleasure associations.

I recognize, though, that while they may seem useless in most cases, unsolicited advice is usually motivated by a genuine desire to help the other person. Specially for those who’ve 'been there and done that', the temptation to offer unsolicited advice can be very overwhelming. Avoiding doing so feels almost like watching someone go into cardiac arrest and not calling an ambulance. But there’s a big difference between the analogy and the reality-- The ambulance will actually help that person; unsolicited advice will not.

Moreso, while some may be give out unsolicited advise out of pure intentions to mean well, others do so to validate their own point of view. This kind of advice is often given to or by people you don’t know really well, or given about a subject you’ve just started learning and are looking to feel smarter about by giving other 'newbies' advice. In both cases, this is more often motivated not so much by helping the other person as by 'needing to be right.'

Not that I am totally discounting the values of an unsolicited advise. When they are genuinely motivated by the desire help, unsolicited advice can be okay, in microscopic doses.

I, myself, give unsolicited advise, one way or another. My writing, for example is one outlet I use to give (unsolicited) advice. It allows me to say anything I want, only that it is consumed only with reader consent. If you don’t want my advice, you don’t have to read it.

So, my advise to those who give unsolicited advice? Never overuse it. Learn to get the hints that you have been going too far.

The (Honorary) Third Wheel

I may not have a boyfriend nor a steady partner now, but I have found myself comfortable with singlehood, though I still go out on dates, more dates that is, lately. However, recently, I have found myself involved in some relationships that I feel like I should be declared an 'honorary' third-party. Thrice over. Maybe more. I really can’t even keep track any more.

I never really thought about it before. I mean, it was never an issue for me, until a recent conversation, ok, more like flirting/chasing game with someone, who is also 'coupled', that got me into thinking.

Don't expect this to be a defense of the mistress. I am not advocating it, just to be clear. I just happen to be in it, and simply want to share my stories and some thoughts.

My stories are not the typical 'other-man' or 'other-woman', or 'other-gay', if we must call them that. Unlike the usual scene wherein the "other-person" does not know the whole truth about their new 'friend', who has withheld the information that they are already hitched, which eventually caused the the attachment of stigma to the 'other person' as the 'home-wrecker', the 'bitch', or whatever you may call them, mine are all consentual.

This is not to say that this makes the act right. But I also maintain that the act isn't wrong, to begin with.

Here are my stories:

I met J. We dated. Then parted ways. I went back with my (then)BF, while I haven't heard from him. The next time we met, hes coupled, and is happy. I kept seeing J despite knowing that he is taken. He was also OK with that. I promised him and his BF though that I wont get in between their relationship. I promised not to cause their relationship any trouble, and I stand by that.

We see each other when we want to see each other, when it is convenient for us to go out for lunch, or dinner, or simply a stroll. We don't force it when we can't.

I'll admit, at times I wish I am his BF instead. But then again, I know he is happy with what he has now. I am happy that J is happy with his BF.

The same goes with G, my recent vacationship. We see each other when we can, when it is convenient. We try to enjoy what we have as much as we can.

The past 2 weeks, his BF came to visit him so we haven't gone out for a while now. Was I sad about that? Was I devastated that he is with someone instead of me? NO.

I knew that when I started the vacationship with G, we can only go as far. I knew where we stand, and I wouldn't wanna cross the line that I myself draw.

During the time that I haven't been seeing G, I chanced upon someone, A. We met online, and after couple of messages, we decided to go out for dinner.

I won't deny that A is attractive, and is easy to get along with. We went out for a few more dates.

But we were trapped in the same dilemma-- he is taken.

Its funny how he would make a joke out of our situation. He would tell me that he likes my hair, and that he likes my smile. He would ask me the things that I do and would eagerly share to me his passions for the same things. He would tell me he likes me, then in the end would say, that I am falling for him (where in fact we know that we both can't fall with each other)

I would tell the joke in return, that he has fallen in love with me. Then its always punctuated by a comfortable silence and a good laugh.

I still see A. We would go out and have time together when we can. I haven't met his BF yet, though I've already talked to him online. We are planning to set up a dinner together one of these days.

Finally, just a few days ago, I had a very interesting conversation (which led to flirting and some admissions) with someone. I've met him through a friend, a poz friend. We never saw each other after that initial meet up, and just started to be in touch online lately.

I would admit that he is an interesting guy and is very likable. He is smart and has the maturity that can follow my (wicked) sense of humour. I love talking to him, and I'd like to think he feels the same. But to take his words, he likes me and would take me "only is hes not attached".

He is very open though. He is very open to the possibilities that can come from what we have now, and I am somehow happy with that.

Yes, it may seem terribly easy to look at this from an outsider's perspective, and make some judgments from there. It is a big NO-NO! I even get that from close friends, and I don't blame them.

It is understandable. The 'other person' usually is portrayed as that which causes any of the couple to cheat, hence, destroy the 'relationship' in the end. And that is clearly, without any question unacceptable.

But this is not the love triangle portrayed in movies.

Although I acknowledge that there are men/women out there who prefer dating a committed man/woman to purposely cause troubles in the relationship, there are also some who just happen "to be in that situation", a situation where they try to build a relationship with someone, only with the antecendent 'that someone is committed'.

Just like any relationships, the essential is that someone wants to build a relationship from pure intentions, and whatever the antecedent may be, I think that alone is enough reason to give it a chance and spare it from the misconception that all affairs of this sort are the result of the deceit.

Afterall, ALL is fair in love.

Another Vacationship

Its been a while since my last vacationship, moreso, a real relationship. Maybe am just NOT the type who clings on the idea of a constant companion. I feel sufficient on my own.

I admit, I miss it at times. Ok, I can be a hopeless romantic so I miss it every so often. But I know how to control the cravings for some warm body to sleep with and hug during the cold nights, sit someone over the dinner table, and all that, though. Ok, more like I know how to suppress it. I can and have lived the ultimate single life, and have learned to appreciate and accept the ups and downs of singlehood. But a little spice every once in a while wouldn’t be bad, I guess.

And so, I am (once again) in a Vacationship.

It started online. The typical hi and hellos, then some casual conversation and a good amount of teasing, until we finally decided to meet last night. G got me initially with a nice picture of a man with tight and toned skin.

But I have to admit he got me more when we met. Hes got the swagger. I can tell from the way he stands and the way he walks as he approached me on my table in a coffee shop in Greenbelt where I decided to meet him. G initially exuded just the right amount of arrogance enough to be called confident,but far from being cocky.

So, what makes this liaison different to any I’d had previously was that there was a definitive deadline. We both knew he'd only be around for 2 months, and that he will fly back to his significant other.

So, does this bother me? Not at all. We have been very open as to what the expectations would be, and I guess we set the expectations right. In fact, I think this definitive deadline will serve to both accelerate and heighten the nature of our interactions. We can just effectively spend the rest of the time we have together to just have fun and share good time. We get all the perks of a relationship, without the hassles, and without any thoughts about our future.

Even though most relationships we have when we’re young do have a deadline (even if we’re not aware of it), this is something that is admittedly difficult to acknowledge to your partner, or even to yourself when you have strong feelings for them. And yet, this serves to make my time with G wholly good because time spent doing anything un-fun would be time wasted. We aren't long-term prospects for one another, but we make for pleasant company and a pleasant few days.

It’s a shame that time, as a general rule, isn’t appreciated more, and vacationships are one of those rare instances where it is outlined for you. You can let things slide that might otherwise cause fundamental problems between two people, because most things are tolerable in the short term.

Relationships come in many different forms, and not all of them have to be undertaken with even the hope of any kind of long-term eventuality. As long as both people know what’s going on, there’s no reason that a vacationship can’t be just as ‘successful’ as a more conventional relationship, but its success is defined by different parameters.

There is no shame in enjoying someone’s company and acting like one of those nauseating couples for a few days, even if you have no interest in taking it further. After all, holidays are for relaxing, not burdening yourself with a long distance relationship thereafter.

I Got Inked

Halfway through the month of the new year and I am just on my first post. I haven't been too busy lately. Neither was I sick or something like that for me not to be able to write. I just can't find a good topic. I mean, I can't think of a good material to write about.

I still don't have a good material, but today I thought I can write about my Tat. Yeah, I got my first tattoo yesterday (finally) after a long time of contemplation.

I have always wanted to have a tattoo but only settled for henna every chance I have. I simply just never had the courage to brave needle pricks and blood. But I guess, my recent and more-than-usual experience with blood and needles lately have finally taken that fear aside and I finally decided to get inked.

Anyway, I had an Ouroboros stamped on my pelvic. Well, it is more like a modified version of the traditional serpent chasing and eating its own tail. I had a dragon, instead. Also, instead of the usual Ouro forming a circle, I had it form a lemniscate (that symbol like the number 8).

So why an Ouro? Traditionally, the snake/dragon devouring in its own tail symbolizes the cyclical Nature of the Universe-- creation out of destruction, Life out of Death. The ouro is the symbol of constant creation. Its an eternal cycle of renewal.

It is the Infinite.

I wont bore you with a Philosophy lecture, although I can and would love to talk about Kant's concept of infinity, but more or less, that is the idea. The Ouro is the visual representation of Kant's first principle (as I understand him.)

 My Ouro. The Infinite. That which is the beginning and the end of all things.



(PS. Pics cannot be posted since I haven't fully disclosed and might be recognized. =D)