But unlike Clark Kent, I never had to wear a cape to hide his fragility and transform into the indestructible Superhero. I win my battles as I am. That was until I found my kryptonite.
Today, I'll have to wear my cape for yet to be the biggest battle!
My flight and my fight begins here. Let me tell you my story.
I am 27, gay, and I am HIV Positive.
I had my HIV random test on November 28, 2009. It was the usual 'fun' night and I was out with my friends when everyone decided to take advantage of the free HIV test administered in Malate. Although I've always been tested every 3-6 months,my last one being in July 2009 where I tested Negative, I decided to have myself tested as well.
The random test was quick. Results are given after 15 minutes upon taking a sample blood. It was painless, too, though the thought of needles always freak me out.
All of my friends tested Negative (thanks to High Heavens!) that night. My boyfriend was tested Positive, though initially he told us that he was Negative (presumably, so as not to spoil the night and not to create any scene. Besides, nobody needs to know anyway.) I tested Indeterminate, but did not tell anybody, as well. I lived with their impression that I was Negative as everyone else is in my circle. I was also not convinced I will turn less than Negative that time.
And so the night resumed.
Soon as we got home, I talked to my boyfriend and told him the real score-- that I was tested Indeterminate, and asked him his 'real' result. Then he told he was tested Positive. The last time he was tested, he said, was 2006-2007, and he had a feeling that he will turn Positive that night.
I was caught dumbfounded.
My Boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year now, and I am very happy with how things are going between us. I won't say our relationship is all too perfect, but it was good to say the least. We always manage to get by.
That night felt so long and very exhausting.
We decided to get a confirmatory test the next day. Though I would like to think I am confident that I know HIV, anxiety and fear surrounded me when we had to head to PGH to have our confirmatory test. It just felt bizarre that I know I know and I understand enough about HIV, yet I had to be in this situation.
I would admit I have had sexual intercourse with several partners, but as far as I know I have taken precaution most of the time, and that I was fully convinced I have less chances of acquiring the virus. I still acknowledge, though, that there is always that probability that I may have contracted it as there were times when I left myself susceptible, specially when I've done it with my Boyfriend. Love has gotten some of me vulnerable, I guess.
Moving forward. We were advised that result of the confirmatory test will come in 3-4 weeks. I have decided to get some vacation to get the thing out of my mind and somehow pacify myself. However, the wait proved to be longer than advised so we decided to just suspend the appointment with the doctors for the result after the Holidays. We all wanted to end and start the new year with good and happy thoughts.
And so the Holidays were over. My Boyfriend and I planned to get the result of the test together. However, due to my schedule, he had to get his ahead. He got his result the third week of January 2010, and he was confirmed Positive. He went into some days of mild depression and tad of paranoia after getting his result, while I, though heartbreaking as it was, had to remain calm.
I also started psyching myself of My possible result. I considered myself 'assumed-positive' and had to live with that thought for a while. I have to admit, though, that there was a big hope that I'd still come out Negative.
Yesterday, I finally decided to end the agony of waiting. I went to PGH to get my result. I have to say I felt most scared that day than any day in my life. I may have prep myself that I could be positive, but my natural inclination to denial is there, presenting me with fear I never felt before. But I had to brave it.
After a short briefing, the doctor gave me the envelope. I am HIV reactive. I am HIV positive.
I never cried. But my heart was bleeding.
Since getting the result, I am still trying to have things sink in. I know I understand what it means to be HIV positive. I know it is not a death sentence. But at the same time, I know it is NOT YET easy to live with it.
And so I'll be Superman. I'll be the Ubermensch-- that which overcome the man that is my 'self'.
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