Its been a while since I decided to put my writing at bay. Aside from having not much time to get my thoughts in coherence, I think I simply lack the interest. And so what other ways to go back in track? I decided to re-examine where I started, the Ubermensch.
I planned to blog about the films I watched, the weekend sessions with J, some random thoughts that pop out when am on my way to work, planned to post an entry about "a person without a backbone" or “lack of foresight” and many other random thoughts, but yeah, planned, and they remained that way. Well, just didn’t have any mood for blogging. Today I got a bit better organized, and cannot wait to tap my keyboard again!
Lets start with some 'catch-up' before we do some intellectual masturbation.
I finally (re)visited my doctor at PGH last week, and advised her that I have made up my mind and I will start with my ARV. Its been a while since I was diagnosed HIV positive (November 2010) and found out that my cd4 count is not very good. As of June 2010, I stand at 260. However, despite the recognition that it wasn't in a very good standing, I chose to outsmart, well more of justify not starting ARV. Afterall, I STILL feel 'normal'. Was I at the 'denial' stage? I know I am not. There is a recognition of the state of affair. I have long accepted that I am HIV positive, and that sooner or later, i would have to go through the 'usual' regimen an HIV. But at the same time, I didn't wan't to commit to something unless I am ready, in all aspect. I just believed that it is the more proper definition of acceptance-- that is accepting the state of affairs, but at the same time, accepting one's limitations. It is not simply embracing something because "you have to". Sometimes, doing things just because you 'have to' can be fucked up.
And so, I went to PGH last week with J to see my doctor and discuss to her how I would like to proceed. I will be completing the baseline test, and is looking at starting with the treatment by end of November, my first anniversary as an HIV positive. With that, I am settled.
Moving on, the past few weeks have been pretty stable. It has mostly been home-work for me on weekdays, and either a "Me-Time" or "We-Time" during weekends. I couldn't complain. Things are more or less in their proper places. Although I know things could be a lot better, and that I can be more than what I am now, I chose to embrace things, take them with open arms though at times I think they are pretty fucked up.
I think that is what happen when you keep pushing yourself. After a while, you just want to settle. Not that I've gone intellectually lazy, nor suddenly lost the rigor. Just that at this point in time, I felt like I've had my fair share of things, both success and failure, and I can afford to feel that things are fucked up at times. I think I have pushed myself VERY early on in my life. I have pushed myself to be an achiever, to be above most people my age and my generation, and have been successful in it. I have gotten most of what I wanted early in my life. But unlike what they say that there is no other way but to go up, I chose to be stationary this time, to take a moment and appreciate what I have, appreciate things though at times they may be fucked up.
I know I have always glorified the Ubermensch. I have always believed that the ubermensch would do what most people only dream of doing. He would test himself and his vision against the strength of the world. Ultimately, the Ubermensch would be a law unto himself. He would decree his morality and enforce it on himself.
But at the same time, I believe that the Ubermench himself takes some moments to be at peace with one's self. After reading Nietzsche for years, I've concluded the Ubermensch is that feeling you have when you turn on the television, turn on the radio, go in public and especially when you read youtube comments. You know that feeling of “What the fuck is this shit?”
The Ubermensch is that which also recognizes “What the fuck is this shit?” and would take some moment thinking what the fuck is this shit.
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