A point needs to be told-- there are some guys you just get over and there’s simply no need for a do-over. You may consider having them as friends, or friends-with benefits if you must, but engaging in another romantic relationship with is simply out of the equation. I have been close to being tempted to taking my third boyfriend back, but decided to stick with my 'policy'.
But as they say, every policy must have an exemption. I, too, have once tried to embrace that 'excuse'-- I have gone through 'an exemption' and decided to give my last relationship a second chance. Lame as it may sound, there are times when we simply give in, for whatever reason it may be, but we just do it.
For those who hasn't followed the story, I was in a very good (live in) relationship with my then boyfriend for seven months until slowly, everything seem to have become a blur. I broke up with him. I sent him out of the condo and we decided to live separate lives (although not quite, as he decided to move in the same condo where I was, only in a different unit. Darn!). We didn't see each other for a while. Neither did we exchange messages via e-mail or text, aside from the few times that we had to to settle 'which-goes-to-whom.'
I 've gone dating during the time that we weren't together (this is when I met J) and I think he dated a few guys too. However, although I have dated a guy, I wasn't so sure if I was ready to hop into a new relationship. J is a very nice guy, and a very good boyfriend material, but at the back of my mind, something is holding me back. I couldn't make my advances to (J) the guy I am dating because I knew there is something left unfinished. I don't know how, but I knew I just knew it.
Then comes the opportunity. The guy am dating (J) decided to go back to his ex-bf, and by sheer and odd synchronosity, I saw my ex bf in the compound the same time J (dumped) me. That was the first time I saw him since the break up. We exchanged greetings but never talked, but I felt a breath of fresh air upon seeing him. I went back to my unit and saw him online in YM. Finally I sent him a message: "Dress up. Lets go out", and he politely obliged.
We started seeing each other again after that. We were like first time lovers again. We did the same things as we did the first time-- dinner dates, movies, visit to my place and me to his place until we were once again sleeping over at each other's place. The next thing we know, we were lovers, AGAIN!
Our second shot at the relationship went well in most part. It was further strengthened (I think) by the incident of us knowing that we were both HIV positive. I even had a thought for a while that we are gonna be 'forever' until I started to mess up. The culmination of which is the second break up.
We weren't in speaking terms for a few months after the break-up. I decided not to care. I took the conscious effort not to hear from him, nor know what has been going on in his life. But just when I thought everything will just remain like how they were, I took my last chance at somehow fixing my mess. Not for any reason such as guilt or anything like that, I was forced by some friends to attend to his birthday party. I also thought that that might be the last time I am going to see him since I know he will be forced to leave the country any time soon. So with the most casual tone I can, I asked him on his birthday: "Do you hate me?". Then he replied, "No, I do not hate you. I cannot hate you. It took some time for me to absorb everything, but I do not hate you".
We have started talking to each other after that night. I am now comfortable talking to him again, and seeing him once in a while. But at the same time, I refused to break my own childish rule— "no take-backs."
Now I’m left with “what if?” questions. What if I’ll never love any other man as much? Or what if I'll never find any other guy who will love me as much as he did (or he does)? What if I never have sex as good again? What if he is THE ONE? And my personal favorite: What if I’m going to die alone now?
Even more excruciating and existential is the other side of the coin: Am I inflating who he is and what we had? Has he been martyred because he was the one that got away?
Not giving myself another chance is like opening a Pandora’s Box of second-guessing my self. OK, so I kept my pride, but what now? It don't have—him. And all I had to lose was a little bit more time spent trying to figure things out between us.
Unfortunately, now I’m stuck in a moment wondering “what if?”
--
No comments:
Post a Comment