Wrong(?) Yet Feels So Right

Ever had a feeling that things are wrong yet feels so right?

I just got home. Tired yet unusually happy. I just came from a late afternoon spent with J. Sure, we have been going out for weekend late afternoon lunch and coffee, casual talks or a stroll for a while now, but today's meeting feels rather 'special.'

Well, it was almost the same thing. I mean I came to meet him for a late afternoon lunch (although I just had coffee creme brulee and drinks since I just came from a heavy lunch with a friend in UP) at Greenbelt, as we usually do. Everything is almost the same, except that this time, his boyfriend joined us.

Yes, he has a boyfriend (lets call him M). They have been together for a while now, and they are going strong. I knew J has a boyfriend when we met (again after not having seen each other for a long time) in April. I had no problems with that. I never found that a reason to stay away from J, however, with the constant reminder to myself at the same time that I wouldn't do anything to cause them trouble in the relationship. 

I like J. OK, I admit, I more than like him. To a certain extent, I can say that I love him. I have never felt a strong emotion toward someone (aside from my ex-bf) like how I feel with J. But at the same time, I know that I cannot push further as I might just blow everything we have now.

I am happy with how things are going on with J and I. I am content with the Sunday brunches we share-- the coffee talk, the late afternoon walk, the silent moments, the text messages-- I couldn't complain. Of course, given a choice, I would gladly have him as my boyfriend, but I know that's not going to happen, at least not now.

I also don't think its ever gonna happen. Not to be pessimistic whatsoever, but J and I already resolved many times that we are not compatible. Aside from some common interests as intellectual conversation, arts, love for 'finer' things, we jut can't seem to fit. We are like the same magnets with the same polarity, and we repel each other, at least romantically.

We have managed to maintain a very good relationship throughout the time we've been together. We have gone even closer when I disclosed to him my sero-status in August. However, just like any relationships, may it be romantic or otherwise, it  isn't perfect, I would say, as we have some moment of misunderstanding. But we always try to resolve.

Anyway, I  came to see J today with M. It felt a bit awkward at first, more than to my part, it is to M's. I sense it the moment I entered the room and sat by the table. I tried to shrug it off and remained as casual as I can. J and I talked like we normally do. We shoot random thoughts and take a good laugh at times. M, on the other hand, would whisper to J once in a while. 

This wasn't the first time that M and I be together at the presence of J. We've been in a party once and was able to talk to each. M knew my thing with J. He is also well aware of my story with J even before they became boyfriends. He said he is OK with that, but I am thinking that at the back of his mind must be some thoughts. I also tried NOT to decipher M's thoughts anymore.

I also have to admit that I am not certain about J's thoughts. I don't know how he sees me, or how he feels for me.I can't tell if he feels the same way for me as I feel for him. I chose not to find out. I am more than happy knowing that we are OK together.

With regard to J's relationship with M, I also do not know details of it. I don't ask. I don't inquire. I will leave everything to them.

This now makes me think if this is what we call 'wrong yet feels so right'. 

When my close friend found out I was seeing J, he told me to go out of the equation. Other friends also are in disapproval about me sticking around J with him being in a relationship. Despite all these, I remain. I decided to go on and keep whatever I have with J.

Everything feels so right whenever I am with J. He never failed to make me happy, to make me see the better side of things, to remind me of things I neglect, to make me think and rethink about things. He is always there to inspire me and keep me going. And most importantly, to always believe in the kindness of hearts and to Love.

This may sound wrong, I know, but my heart says this is right-- I love J and I will stick around, and I hope I make him feel the same as he does to me.