Of Rain and Playing God

On my way to my mom's place for a visit last Sunday, it rained.

I always love the rain. I always find the rain cathartic. I love it when I see the droplets hit a surface and explode like little bombs and scatter into smaller pieces, until they become unrecognizable individually as they join other 'annihilated' droplets and form into something else, maybe muddy water, which will eventually gets flushed down the sewer. I like to see how they self-destruct. That's the morbid part of me. I find beauty in morbidity.

Do not get me wrong. I am not the 'other-step-sister' who would deliberately wish and cause someone else's demise. I do not necessarily find happiness in the helplessness of others, but the realization that I am better off is a consolation in itself. C'mon, basic human instinct!

I know they are nothing but molecules and are not really annihilated. There really isn't any life in question, otherwise I wouldn't have been sounding half the evil guy I am now. That's will be another story altogether if a 'life' is concerned, of course. Anyway, seeing them fall from the sky pure and intact, and eventually disintegrates without resistance from them (selves, if they can at all be attributed selves), is like me having more power than they have. The sense of me having more control of things more than the droplets makes me feel good. The sense of having control of things in general makes us feel good.

I can reach my hand out of the window and end a droplet's way even before it reaches the ground and play god for a while.

This is because at the back of my mind, I realize that I am not a god and that I cannot have things my way all the time. I can try and take control of things around me, but I can only take control of my life as much as I can. There will come a time that somewhere, somehow, a god, though not necessarily the white haired, blue-eyed Caucasian nor the omnipresent eye in a triangle, would at some point can decide to extend his hand out of his window and end my own godliness.

I may not necessarily have to get shattered into pieces or be flushed into the sewers, but definitely, just like the little droplets, I will always find my end.

I hope it rains when it has to happen.