My Birthday Thoughts

I cannot help but get over the fact that I will be 28 in a few days. It’s not really an issue of getting old. In fact, I always wanted to be 28.

The problem is, I don’t feel it – i mean, getting older, that is.

I remember when I was younger, I’d sleep more often hoping that days will go faster if I sleep and I’d be 28 when I wake up. I always wished of becoming 28 and become a vampire so that I won’t grow older than 28.

I had this grand idea of what myself will be like when I am 28 eight or ten years ago. I had the assumption that since wisdom comes with age, I would be rid of everything I hate about myself as I get older. Afterall, I believe that I have equipped myself with everything necessary to live, and be successful.

I've always been successful in everything I do when I was younger and growing up. I've always been on top of my class. I've also been more than good in other endeavors I got myself involved. I always told myself that I will be excellent in everything I chose to do.

So packed with my youthful dreams and some sense of idealism, I braved the real world. I got myself a job soon after graduating from the University. When I celebrated my birthday that year, I felt a sense of knowing, an upgrade within myself, a better understanding of things and my surroundings.

That was the last time I really felt really getting old. After graduating from the University, I felt the self-imposed pressure that I had to stand on my own. Although I have been living away from my family since I was 16, it was only until I was 20 that I decided to take charge of myself.

The problem is, eight years later, I seem to have been stuck. I seem to be the same naïve 20-year old boy who went out to the world for the first time. This could be what Nietzsche calls the eternal recurrence, that we are bound to merely repeat our life over and over again for infinity. I seem to be living my life, the same life I chose to have eight or ten years ago. It gets frustrating at times.

I am actually thinking that if my ‘present’ self will have a talk over a cup of coffee with my ‘twenty year old self’ , he’d probably be shocked to see that he hasn’t changed much. Aside from the little poise and grace learned, it is still the same boy with the same ounce of idealism. I would be very afraid that if my ‘old self asks, “Are we now filthy rich?”, “Did we become an influential figure in the academe?”, “Have we published the book we always wanted to work on?”, “Can we choose not to work now?” and many other related questions, I’d be standing there with an apologetic look on my face.

Nevertheless, soon as he gets over the lack of success on the things I always wanted, he would be happy to know some things I have been successful with, things which I never expected myself to be at least be good at.

I have been successful in love. Though all the relationships I had in the past did not end up in 'forever', I surely think that the ups and downs I've shared in my past relationships were somehow a success. Knowing how to love and loving is in itself a success.

I have also been successful in influencing some people, though not in a major proportion, at least I know that I have to touched some lives. I am always happy whenever I see some of my students, most of which, I can't even recognize, who are always grateful and still treat me with the same respect. That always fills my heart.

I have also been successful in having the wonderful people around me. I can proudly tell my old self that for what’s its worth, he at least did not turn out to be too jaded with life that we ended up being too serious. I will be honest to him and tell him that I still worry and gets frustrated at times, but learn to express that part of myself in the right time and at the right place.

So yeah, it isn’t all too bad I suppose, and knowing myself, he’d probably eventually tell me not to worry about it, and see that despite the slow effects of maturity on us, he would see that his future self will be happy, and all in all wouldn’t turn out so bad.