Poopf!

Let’s get one thing straight-- dating is hard. Uncomfortable, agonizing, unpleasant, awkward, and well, just plain hard.

Imagine going on a first date, and it is the most amazing date that you have had in quite some time. He is sweet, charming, smart, funny, attractive, blah blah blah. At the end of the date he grabs your chin and pulls you close for a gentle kiss. On the way home you get a text from him “Had a great time, lets hang out this weekend!”

Now cut to the second date. He is even more attractive and charming than you remember. The conversation turns flirty. The dirty kind of flirty that almost crosses the line but remains playful. At the end of the date he puts his hand around the small of your back and pulls you in close. His pelvis presses gingerly up against yours as he kisses you. He kisses you for the next ten minutes. The kind of kissing that shakes you to the core, you might even stammer a little. You say your goodbyes and you leave with your red face.

The next day you are giddy like a school girl. Skipping around your apartment and singing show tunes, then you abruptly stop. It feels as if someone just kicked you in the gut! FUCK, you haven’t told him you are positive, yet.

You know that it will probably be the end of the… well, those red faces... Again, FUCK!

Its been more than three years now since I decided to go on exclusive date with someone. We became domestic partners for a year and eight months. Now, almost a year and a half after the break up, I have never found myself dating anyone in particular. Moreso, I also never considered being romantically involved with anyone, anymore.

What seem to be the problem?

J was the last BF I had before I got converted.

I used to go out on some dates after our break up, but after a while, seem to have lost interest in the dating scene altogether. It became harder for me to be at my comfort level, telling the potential partner my stories while at the same time trying to do self censorship as not everything can be shared, unlike before.

It became harder to build ties and connections.

I realized I was unconsciously holding back.

While I can still be very much attracted to a man, I cannot seem to hold my interest for very long. I have to admit that in most times, I allow my HIV status to get me too anxious or distracted to allow intimacy to thrive.

Sure, there is a wide spectrum of attitudes towards HIV nowadays. There are those HIV negative guys who proclaim to be OK dating HIV positives. Other men feel very informed, and have made peace with the risks of modern life.

But c'mon, life is more complicated than that! While you claim to be fine with it, I still have some issues causing someone to become HIV positive.

There times I consider going exclusive with a fellow Poz. But is it really easier to date someone who has the same HIV status you do? In many ways, the answer may be yes. For one, dating another positive guy means the dynamics of self-disclosure are a lot different; there’s no need to worry about whether the guy will say something insensitive or reject you out of hand.

But can we really choose who? FUCK!