Ambivalent

I received a 'surprise' text message from J yesterday, the first in the past 2-3 months I guess.

He said he read my blog, asked how I am, and if the one I was referring to is my 'friend' he knows. Of course I didn't confirm nor deniy it. I wouldn't.

Anyway, I didn't know how to feel hearing from him again. I was excited, I had to admit. But more than that, I felt more defensive. I didn't want my life 'touched' again, that was at the back of my mind, but at the same time, wanting to be in touch with him again just like the old times.

I'd like to think I have everything in place at the moment. I've learned not to find confines somewhere or from someone else when I feel low. I got used to deal with things just by myself. I was fine with that.

Now my defenses seem to be on the verge of collapse, again.

I don't wanna get tempted. I might totally break down.