IT Is (still) There. (Almost) A Year with HIV

Its been almost a year now since I found out about my sero status. Its also been almost a year now that I feel like I’ve got one foot in HIV and one foot out. Its like I’m doing the hokey pokey, and my body can’t decide which it wants to be.

I have been living in reality of being an HIV positive daily for almost a year now. I have gotten my random test result in November last year, and that has taken my life a 180 degree, not really a whole 360 turn. Not that I don’t go hours or days without HIV on my mind. That will be an exaggeration. But in most days I will have an HIV thought brush my reality, just a little nudge to remind me that IT is still there.

There were, and there still are times I am overcomed by 'habit' of the normal life. I mean, c'mon, afterall, I have lived a life free from HIV for 27 years and have gone accustomed to the 'normal' ways. Thats all I knew, until all of a sudden, 'normal' has to be redefined. For good measure, about every once in a while, I need a little shaking up just to remind myself I am never fully ever going to be free of HIV.

No, am not consumed. I am not consumed by the fact that I am HIV positive, and that I can only do either this-or-that now. There are times I just to surrender to what my body allows me to do, say stay all day (in bed) due to dizziness from the antibiotics I had take to fight a (minor) infection (from a wound) that my body is having a hard time to fight. I may have been limited by my pathological status, but that is all. Other than those instances, I go by as 'normal'. After all, everyone goes through some moments of 'having to be in bed', HIV positive or otherwise.

And things get better everyday. It is easier to live and I have slowly learned to go by the ropes. I have finally decided I'll start with my ARV in the next few weeks. With my CD4 at 260 (since June), and the countless justifications and the countless attempt to outsmart myself, I have finally came into terms with myself and resolve to start with the regimen. I just need to complete the baseline tests and I am set.

For sure, for the next few days or weeks upon taking the ARVs, will take another strong nudge to remind me ITS there. And as usual, I won't deny it. I take it with open arms. Its part of me.

One thing remains, though. Despite all these, Life goes on!